oh great. no more butterfly wings.

early this morning the shuttle broke through the atmosphere with a triumphant earthquake-like entrance. my nice dream suddenly featured an earthquake, and i woke up, grabed my robe and hobbled to the door frame. Luckily my on the ball dad was there to keep the peace and immediately said it was the shuttle landing. ahh. not an earthquake. i can go back to bed for a couple hours instead of scampering around the streets in my pjs. however, afer so rudly interrupting sleep's conversation it was reluctant to befriend me again. instead i got to play moderator to competative thoughts of impending doom and imaginings of what ifs. i began to consider things like: should i keep a good pair of shoes by my bed and a big bottle of water? should i wear sturdier clothing to bed? what about the wounded ankle? i sure can't run. and perhaps the most dangerous path my thinking took was: in today's climate, how can i immediately think strange shaking is an earthquake and not a terrorist act? (i think i saw a bit too many article featuring japanese mourning the nigasaki rememberance) and then i began to think about this computer-generated scenario i saw on tv about what would happen to earth if the sun disappeared. this understandably led into thinking about what my misty theology would be like if i knew life was ending shortly, and say we were darkly spinning off our standard orbit. would i fall back on the comfortable blanket of bible-god? should i be seeking more now so i am more prepared for these moments? what beliefs would terror inspire? what does one do when, during a period of intense seeking and lots of questions left open, life is suddenly limited and one is forced to choose a theory to die by? suddenly i feel like i cannot keep floating along because i do not think i am ready to meet these moments with calm, clarity and grace. not that i'm truly "just floating along," but, oh, how is one to meet a deadline for figuring out The Grandest Scheme? There is a consistent problam here: tiny tiny brain and BIG BIG UNIVERSE. alas, i can only say a deep: Hhmmm. and that this shook some fear of chaotic death into me.