no harvest :<

I've eaten a lot of junk these days as a round about way of managing stress . Not so smart. Anyhow, at the end of a vigorous and beautiful yoga class today, we were taking our final pose, a resting pose, and as usual, i felt the expectation for an onset of great joy and calm. Not to happen though! I could not harvest it from my body. The immediate image I had was of my fingers and eyes scanning barren soil with the expectation of finding some beautiful flowers, vegetables, apricots. But there was nothing. And there was no joy or calm, even though there had been during my practice. In the beginning of the class i had set my intention as using my body with joy, and filling it with lots of breath. I felt connected and alive and joyful during most of the poses (as opposed to feeling like i was expending energy and thinking too much), so i should have had a wonderful rest. Instead i felt like from the neck down was alarmingly disconnected from me. Of course I began some terrified internal berrations against my mind's lousy decisions about what to feed my poor defenseless and choiceless body, but later on i began to think that there was a bit more going on than a junk food spree. There's a lot of spirit shifting going on. The winds are blowing hard, and I'm not sure what will be left when they let up. All I can say is that my life has been one of consciously asking for guidance from the holy spirit, and seeking wisdom and knowledge of God, so how can I be afraid of these uncertain days, and say that this is not from god? I honestly want to believe that the whole Biblical explanation of life is the way - I deeply desire for this to win out. But right now I have sufficient doubt. And I'm not sure what it would take to convince me. This isn't a dry spell. This is a severely cracked slab, or maybe just deciding i want a new dwelling. I'm sort of disinterestedly thinking about myself from the outside on this one too - interested in where i will end up. are the arms i thought were there really there or has it been me or what? maybe knowing god when i'm 25 is vastly different than knowing god at 24. i'm either losing god or being taken into a deeper level. I think it was the night of this yoga class that I decided to start skimming the Bible a bit and found this passage: "Land that drinks the rain often falling on it and that produces a crop useful to those for whom it is farmed receives the blessing of God. But land that produces thorns and thistles is worthless and is in danger of being cursed. In the end it will be burned." This passage threw into sharp relief the seriousness of what's occuring in my soul, if i'm still dealing on the biblical plain. part of me is very okay with passively riding it out, and waiting for some event or experience or reading to restore my sense of surity. Part of me thinks that I should be more disciplined in paying attention to my soul. I think all of this has been coming on for quite a while. I know this is a well-trod road, so it's not like I fear wandering off the map. It's one that I have been on before and thankfully one that people far wiser than I have documented traversing. I think I need to appreciate the experience of actively searching again, and thinking without the usual lenses and coloring. I don't know if this is just pure ego responding to the fact that I think people who are consistent are generally boring, but I think I like the fact that I'm not steady yet, that in the deepest parts of my life there is still room for surprise and shifting and destruction and creation. It's so much more dynamic, and there is such an opportunity for depth. I've noticed that I have been very silent with God these days. No chatting. Just trying to silently observe this crossing without judging. Really hoping that I continue in this explorative vein rather than getting depressed or lost. But if that's what needs to be then okay - there's not much to be done about the moods the undercurrents push up to the surface except look for the reason. While reading one of my favorite thinkers i ran across this, and i thought it fit - "when normality explodes or breaks out into craziness ot shadow, we might look closely, before running for cover and before attempting to restore familiar order, at the potential meaningfulness of the event." yeah yo.