in the event of untimely death

last night as i attempted to go to bed slightly early and could not sleep [see #1], a small list of complaints against the world began to form, beginning with: 1. neighbors who let their dogs bark all night. i don't know what is worse - the consistent barking or the intermittent. why can't they learn a song? 2. the recent arm wrestling contest i had with my sister, which she won. unfair on all accounts, as i am the one who can do the pushups and i am the one lifting kids all day. (of the potential, highly logical reasons i have concocted, the most likely one seems to be her long monkey arms. this is a matter of unfair leverage.) bottom line, i am stronger then her! she does ninny pushups with horrible form and flexes her apparently newly-formed miniscule triceps with pride while she pokes it with her finger. is this fair that in the presence of my brother i am humiliated by my larger though less strong sister?!?! another general annoyance: i am a good three inches shorter than anyone in my immediate family!?! i am stronger then her!!! 3. cremation, and coffins too. this suddenly this seems horrific. i am not going to sugar coat this. there is no way that i want to rot inside a box, or be pushed into a fire by someone who doesn't even know me. i would not want anyone who survives me to be burdened with that imagery. i'd prefer to be buried coffin-less and for the armies of decay to feast on my delicious flesh, eating away my dying atoms and then somehow i will merge with the universe, relax into a million bits of unconscious life. or i think that i should like to don only a sheet and be dropped into the ocean. imagine the stories that can spring from this... perhaps i was swallowed by a whale, deposited on some distant unearthly shore on the other side of life (which actually, thanks to biblical revisionist history and modern mammalography we know is not actually possible; a whale's oral anatomy being far to narrow to support such behavior; however i do not think that this is widely accepted in my right-winged family, this could happen...). Or, we don't know all there is to know about our deep oceans. perhaps there is a special mammal out there, employed for just this reason, and it is a magnificent golden charrioter deal. (i can't tell you how fascinted i was as a kid by marianna's trench and the loch ness monster) or, perhaps i am resting in the eternal watery womb of the ocean, the source of nurturing, having the watery gently swaying mind of the ocean. sharing my flesh with all in need, much like the hokey little "Rainbow Fish" story. [although hey, they shared with me too when i had need of food] these scenarios would definitely take place after all usable organs were tugged out of their alotted regions, a reward for faithful service. we're about teamwork here, but if the liver's still good, it's got a new assignment. not break time yet. i don't know how i feel about research, donating my body to science. i wouldn't want to be soaked in stinky stuff and prodded, honestly. and even worse, i wouldn't want the loved ones to wonder about that, or about crude med school humor, or about the seasoned interns who might somehow spill their tomato on me or cookie crumbs or something.

gross? ah, dark have been my thoughts of late... anyhow, i was thinking about it, so i'm documenting my wishes. bottom line is that i want to be an active participant in the circle of life (and it moves us all, lalalala) and i want there to be pleasant imagery for my kin, a beginners manual having been provided above. perhaps the blog is not the appropriate forum for this, but here it is public now, not subject to the murkey contents of a possibly never-read journal (oh lord i hope never read!). and who else would i tell about this? i mean, if i make it to old age i am sure i will formalize this and frame it or whatever, but what if i die young?

haha - how far i have fallen from my inital blog wish to re-savor the best part of each day.