Burning Bridges

Lately I feel so very lonely. I actually have come to dread going to bed - being all alone in my bed. Friends are whooping it up for Halloween all weekend long, and I'm choosing to stay home. Seems contradictory right? But it's like I feel more lonely when I'm in that big group. Lately I've been telling myself that no one really cares if I am there or not, and the worst part is, I think it just may be true. Even in my girls group. The past three weeks, I haven't been able to convince myself to go, and instead stay home and blindly stare at the TV. Does anyone call me? No. Instead it feels like I'm getting shunned because of it. And then part of me feels like I never belonged in their game anyway, and I regret how honest I've been at times in the past. I don't even want to talk to some of my closer friends about it because it will just become this competative who-has-things-worse type conversation. Bleh.

It just feels like I've been alone for so long now. (cue eyes welling up with tears.) So, so very deeply alone. Right now I feel so far from God, and none of the verses about being content with having nothing but the knowledge of grace are having much effect. I can't seem to talk myself into there being a purpose for this. I just keep wanting it to end, but it keeps going and going. It feels useless to fight it almost. I'll think it's getting better, but then things go down hill again. There's such a mismatch between the public and private Amy right now. Public Amy shuttles along with all the duties efficiently at work and school. Private Amy goes home and mopes and cries too easily and can't sleep and has no ambition. Maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself.

Funny thing is, I've been contemplating pregnancy ever so slightly the past few days. I was late, and I was just letting my mind wander along the off chance of my impregnation by a toilet seat, etc. I almost wouldn't mind a baby right now, in a vague floaty sense. Something to organize my life around, and to pour so much love into. (cue tears again.) It would so thoroughly jar me out of living my life by my own whims and turns. In some ways, it would take some of the pressure off of me always having to be putting out so many results.

I don't know. There's probably some neurosis in all this.