the millions cry

sometimes i am overwhelmed with love for the children in my primary group at school. something so unique about working with the very young is that you can stare into their eyes, and let so, so much love be tranfered just by the eyes. sometimes when i'm with these children, i literally feel the love streaming in in our eye contact, I feel it pouring from my chest to theirs. there must be some way to measure this. this is when i start buying into all the "forcefield" theories buzzing about in alternative literature - when i feel it with such force, and they feel it too - this beautiful attunement that makes us smile at one another with knowing in our eyes. i swear i'm not crazy. i'm just in love. they get some pretty tight hugs and neck kisses from me. sometimes i just know that we 'get' one another, and there is such mutual joy in it. but the crazy thing is, is i know that that's the way that they will love their children, and lovers, and other intimate relatioships. they will have that lived experience of amped-up joy from feelig perfectly intune with another person and expressing it with eyes and loving touches and embraces, and it is part of the deep pattern of their love. sometimes i wonder, how, how do we have so much love to give? how is it that the heart always seem to open to allow for more. How is it that we get to affect one another so strongly. how is it that i am so lucky to give and receive so much love all day long, as an occupation?

and i love that this is the heart of what i study - the biological formation of love, also known as early attachment relationships. how these bright new bodies are introduced into the world of people by being held, cuddled, gazed at, bathed, wiped, fed, played with - all these routines that lead to the bonding that creates a shared emotional life, creating a capacity for deep, shared love, empathy with others. And that all this experience actually changes the architecture of their brains, effecting the deep structures of the mind that regulate sobconscious styles of love and attachment patterns as well as stress responses.

the thing with young children is that they are not able to regulate their own emotions yet. when a young child has emotional experiences (and all the information that enters our brain is processed in terms of emotion. every bit of info passes through the limbic system, a group of primitive structures that essentially determine if the information is safe or threatening: remain calm or fight/flight), they have no framework yet for organizing it. It is the adult who consistenly and lovingly helps them to return to a state of calm that serves as an external regulating force. simply put, when young children do not have a loving attachment relationship, they run the great risk of developing without knowing the joy of social relationships, and having a deep sense that their cues are not meaningful - which manifests in no desire to relate emotionally, and low self esteem. which then manifests in criminal or psychotic behavior.

which brings me to thinking about the children who do not have the luck of being born in a supportive environment. lately i have been reading alot about children in orphanages, violent homes, in and out of foster homes, depressed mothers, poverty, war, hostile prenatal environment, a range of abuses. these unlucky children who come to be so overrepresented in our prison systems and pysch wards. how am i not supposed to see them as the child who hangs out by the fence because he knows that his teachers don't like him, or the one who quietly bites other children because his homelife is so negative that he doesn't know how else to get all the horrible emotion out of his body (how much this is like the opposite of a hug). there is a direct correlation between a child's home environment and their intelligence, between the mental health of the child and the mental health of the parents, and between poverty and intelligence/social/emotional wellness. in terms of negative experiences, it scares me so much how vulnerable our children are to the patterns of their parents, and overwhelms me because the families who need the most help are emeshed in bigger systems that seem so relentless.

for example, the depressed mother living in poverty. research shows that the children of depressed mother suffer similar patters of depression as well. the mother would need mental health services herself, but being poor, feeling guilty, and being financially stressed already would doubtfully seek out help on her own. And even if she did, how would the mental health worker be able to help her gain the confidence and skills necessary to escape poverty. And then if she goes back to work, where do her children go while she works. the cheapest daycare available where one cranky woman takes 'care' of 10 children? what are her options? how should intervention occur so that all the stress and hardship is not passed on to the developing child? what about all the children living in areas of war, or whose parents have died of AIDS, or whose homes are filled night after night with violence, crying and yelling, or who are incarcenated because our society does not know what else to do with them?

i pray that as a society (especially us christians), we would have more wisdom in applying love and tax dollars. That the model of the good samaritan would truly penetrate our hearts. please lord, please...

Proteus, rising from the sea!!!

I watched the pilot of "Heroes" tonight. And it was GREAT!!! I'm definitely hooked. It's sort of like an episodic X-Men - and I LOVED the first two X-Men movies. Far fetched, but close enough within the realm of possibility to make you look at the people around you a little differently. and yourself too. I love the idea that there may be members of the human species seeded with advantageous mutations. I love thinking like this. I once thought that autism could be an example of punctured equilibrium.

in fact i was just thinking this morning that being able to wake up and brush my teeth, straighten my hair, eat my yam with honey and butter is a minor miracle in itself after ballimg my eyes out and praying to die young the night before. sort of the equivalent of breaking my shoulder and then saving a man from a burning train. seriously though, praise be to the lord for such renewal. i may have to explain this more later.

I do have to say there was a major falacy presented, one that is particularly annoying to me because of how much it is a part of the conventional wisdom of the day: We do not use only 10% of our brain. We use all of it. The other 90% is glial cells (as opposed to the other 10% which is composed of neurons) that were not able to be seen with the technology at the time that lovely fact was disseminated. And glial cells play a very important role in supporting the neurons. Hopefully this is not a major tenent of the show's grand finale. Yes folks, Amy paid attention in her behavioral neuroscience class at good ol' MC. This is 101 stuff. I know the reason this is such a popular fact is because it makes us think precisely what this show does - that there is a lot of unused potential in us. Anyhow, I'm surprised that it made it through the editors. I do like the edgy Indian fella who was made to say such a lie. i think he and i would get along just fine. i could help him twine colored cord around pushpins on a giant map of the world. we could watch "what the bleep." he could make me some tea and vegetarian food, and we could sit on big pillows on the ground in lotus position. do some yoga and breath work.

also, a word of warning: a few nights ago i had a dream that i was pregnant - very pregnant - and was rushing around making sure that there was enough paper in the printer. perhaps i will be birthing a story soon... or volumes of poetry, or some sitcoms, or a tv script. either that or a ton of homework. or maybe just some prolific blogging. no research papers this semester thus far, darn it, so my outlet sure won't be school.

Confronting Fear

Fall always makes me feel sort of sad and empty, but last night was particularly difficult.

Sometimes I feel like my emotions are just too strong for this poor body to contain or manage well, and I wish that I could peel open my chest, hop out, and go straight to heaven and avoid all the unevenness of this life. My physical heart seriously aches, and it feels like someone is pushing down hard on my sternum. I think about all those storm clouds overtaking the land and that's how I feel.

I just don't know that I am strong enough for this life. Seriously, I know for sure that if I was not raised in a good and loving family that I would have committed suicide by now. I think of all the potential for loss in this life and my too-tightly-hugging type of love bearing, and I sort of wish I that the Lord would decide I need to die young. There are situations I don't think I could stand. Like what if I had a child and he dies. Or what if a spouse were to cheat. Or what if I were to cheat, not that I ever think I would. Or what if one of my brothers die. Or what if I hit someone while driving. I don't think I could bear it. I don't know that my faith in the Big Plan has settled into my cells, or my heart valves. Maybe I should stop eating so healthy. I think I'm just realistic and my emotions are way too quick to jump on the boat as my imagination sails it into dark waters. and suffering is inevitable. The impermanence of this world and our attachment demands that we suffer.

I think alot of what I have to learn is how to go through suffering with hope. I feel like my head gets this, but its those pesky heart valves that start to twitter and shake that don't buy into it yet. I think of Jesus, sweating blood in the Garden of Gethsemene, or the mid-life of Joseph. I love the story of Joseph. When he first sees his brothers again, and they do not recognize him, he has to leave the room and weep. But then when they come back again, he has forgiven them, and tells them that what they meant for evil to him, God meant for good, so that the lives of many would be spared. I love how Joseph processes his own emotions by seeing them in relation to God's plan.

I think that historically alot of my fears have been directly conected to men and marriage. But I think that I am finally able to sort of talk myself down out of that tree of fear and start playing in the game with my heart, and not just using my heart (quite powerfully) to imagine the game. But I am pretty good at being single. i think now I'm just waiting for the right guy, and it won't be fear anymore that keeps me single. last night was rock bottom for this, and the lord was right there with me. as he always will be. in the mean time, I think I want a dog.

I think I need to remember too that the bigger the love, the bigger the fall, and that's the payoff for the intensity of love that I feel too - that joy, excitement, closeness, oneness, bliss with those I love. I just wonder if, no matter how much I trust in the big plan, if it is just my makeup for my body to be extreme in experiencing both love and grief. If I calm down on the grief experience, does that mean I have to calm down on the love experience?

Summer Non-Fiction Review

Too Small to Ignore
Wess Stafford

This author of this book is the founder of Compassion International, a group sort of like World Vision. The author grew up with missionary parents and lived in Africa, which he tells you all about. He also describes the imprtant place that young chidren have in the church. This man is a hero to me, and I loved the Africa stories and the message, and how much change this man is causing in the lives of young children in this world.

A Thirst For Wholeness
by Jay Adams

This book rocks my world. There is so much truth in the book. The pastor of the church I go to gave it to me, and I reread it again this summer. I feel it should be stapled on to the back of my Bible. There is so much correct handling of the word in this book, and the heart feels it as it reads. A serious lifechanging path to deeper growth and clearer thinking about how Scriptural concepts directly apply to how we think about things and act. Homerun, Adams.

A Reason for Hope
Jane Goodall

This book prompted me to read several other Jane Goodall books about her time in the jungles of Gombe living with the Chimps. She was the first person to ever do longterm observations of the chimps, and set off to do it when she was in her mid-20s. Very inspiring. Also very interesting to read her observations of the social lives of chimps, particularly relating to mothers and babies.

Summer Fiction Review

Here are some of the highlights of my very ambitious summer of reading:

A Sudden Country
by Karen Fisher

This book was amazing - beautifully written, well researched, with full-bodied, complex characters. Impressively, this book was the first effort of a 40ish old woman who I believe is a ranchhand of some sort. Must mention that describes an adulterous relationship that is very painful to read about. But what a powerful storytelling gift this woman has - you could see and feel the way the characters moved. Probably the best example of this that I have ever read. I have so many vivid pictures still in my mind when I think of this book.

The English Patient
By Michael Ondaatje

Another book full of interesting characters and situations. I enjoyed it, but again, the dark, destructive thread of adultry running all through it.

The Mermaid Chair
By Sue Monk Kidd

This is the author of Secret Life of Bees, a book I liked more than this one. Still written in the same engaging, beach-read style, but the characters get caught up in redefining themselves through adultry. The offenders are a depressive housewife/artist with a suicidal mother and a monk. No kidding.

East of Eden
John Steinbeck

This man sure knows how to weave an intergenerational web. How can so much of a story live in a mind. Again, a dark read that I don't know I would recommend. Starts out all innocent (i.e. Eden) and spirals down until you loathe the sinful nature.

The Stone Diaries
by Carol Shields

A Canadian author. I picked up this author because K. Fisher noted her as an influence. Starts out with a very overweight lady who thinks she is dying but really is pregnant. Would not read this book again, or recommend it.

Sunflower and the Secret Fan
by ?

A coworker gave me this book with glowing praise. The plot was pretty bad, and the characters not very full, but the research that went into it was interesting. It took place in China and followed the lives of two young girls on their path through footbinding and into marriage. Some interesting aspects of Chinese culture shown.

bad weather

As I was pulling out of the parking lot of the grocery store tonight, I looked out to the left and saw the uncertain light of a sunset fading without distinction behind the thick gathering clouds rolling in from the ocean. And instead of going home, I went left and headed out to Mt. Boney, the epicenter of newbury park's weather.

I love the feel of the land right before foul weather, but i sure didn't feel like hiking. I sat in the dirt lot outside the trailhead andl tried to talk myself out of needing to get out and hike along in my white Converse in such drab weather. But I still got out and immediately the smell of the mingling weather and land hit me. And almost instantly i was stilled inside: the cool wind bringing the rich, damp smell of earth as the clouds bore down on it, moist clouds hunching down on the wide open land that can do nothing to close in and protect itself from this invasion. Something about walking in the presence of this silent drama, feeling that this wind carries along two responses from the land: a fearful shuddering against these clouds bearing so harshly down on it, and a calm acceptance of its own deep power, it's ablitity to remain steady inspite of being so exposed.

I don't know if this is projection, but it is certainly calming. thrilling too. there's something to setting off into the coolness, the land darkening under thick clouds, and building up body heat against it, attaining a higher view. it instantly brings me back to my center. immediately I am sheared away to oneness with God, feeling a lump in my throat simply because I am so glad to be alone with him, finally alone with him, so glad to shed the weight of the world under his steady, cleansing presence. i wish i consistenly felt this grand simplicity when reading scripture.

which brings me around to the fact that lately I feel like there is something major missing in our relationships with God. and, after re-reading some passages in a book that is one of my favorites, i am reminded once again of the necessity of trials to the Christian experience; that the repetition of mistakes and bad habits are God's tool for bringing us closer to him. in order for us to be complete, not lacking in anything, we must see trials for their hidden value, which is to bring us on our knees in need before God. rejoicing in trials - i think its easy not to do but is so key to christian growth. there's a lot more to this, but i'm not going to get into it. actually, i'm going to go bake a cake.

why can't i stay in the driver's seat?

oh, where to start. first let me say that I am well aware of the strong effects that emotional music has on me. so much so that for about three weeks i drove around in silence, with my stereo volume down to zero (because i don't know how to turn it off completely) and i wanted to hold my course. and i was level-headed, alert, and coherent when i spoke to people. and then i get the natalie merchant "Motherland" album that i innocently ordered used off amazon in the mail. and then the lullaby title track sucks me in to this world of longing, bittersweet, the emotions welling up within me as i listen. have enough? no. then i'm picking out U2 albums. and now in this last week, Coldplay. (and just a little bit of annie lennox ('Why').) there are names for girls like this that i will not repeat. i'm not going to implicate myself.

i will say that listening to the Coldplay album was bound to happen. ever since hearing its new power after being paired with the 9/11 movie. i think as a population we are finally able to fully grieve now that those two are paired together. i'm solemnly serious about that. it got me thinking too about just how blindingly beautiful it is that we get to cover over these huge acts of terror with love for one another. i just have this picture in my head of a warm golden color being smoothed and melted, gently soothed into all the pits and divits of pavement and broken cement. the "small" acts of removing landmines from old wars, building memorials, naming streets, writing songs, writing stories. really, we are very good at studding our living space with landmarks to people who bring more love into this world. it's achingly beautiful.

also in this last week, the last song on "X&Y" album is showing me its shades beyond being a lovely, complex love song. i would say that it is what my soul has been singing to God for a while now, but in emotional clouds - not the words that Coldplay so helpfully introduced me too. and that makes me cry too, finding expression for such a vague storm of emotion. i think i better give all the emotional music a rest. i'd like to start making sense again when i talk to people instead of being in the cloudy right hemishere so much to the point that nothing i say make sense to me or anyone else. and now i must go to bed.