Ha!

Today in the afterglow of clearing yet another life hurtle with a certain amount of ease and grace, I am reminded of a conversation I had on an airplane to Maui with a somewhat militant honeymooner. I was bemoning the state of a non-existent and very traumatizing relationship in which I felt that the One For Me had slipped out of range because I wasn't obvious about the fact that I was rather smitten with him. Anyhow, her approach to life was that she saw every negative happening as the doings of an unnamed evil force that was trying to push her down, and whenever she faced opposition or disappointment, she would respond with a burst of competative "Ha! I know what you are up to, and I will win." Something along those lines. I think it will increas your ability to visualize this if I tell you that she was a small-boned, strong-minded black woman with lightnening fast judgement calls, which I probably unquestionably ate up at a time when all I could do was waver. I think I thought about this six year old memory because lately I do feel a little like that - but mine is a joyful "Ha!" that comes from landing lightly on the other side of a hurdle, and continuing on strong. And there's no evil force trying to push me down, just me trying to max out my time on this planet. Back to the plane, I remember going over all the joys and then the sad and mysterious decline of this relationship with this woman while her husband snoozed next to us, and parting by exchanging info and having her tell me to invite her to the wedding. Silly me! I felt so certain that she would be the cause of a joyous reunion, could imagine her being an interesting but intregal addition to a wedding day. (thank god for unanswered prayers, eh? although the thought of red-headed children is pretty tempting... i don't know...tough call) Anyhow, there is such an enormous amount of bonding that can occur between people as a result of talking about botched relationships and deferred hopes. And that is one of the major ways that I have become closer to friends and strangers. So, I suppose that that is some silver lining that I need to focus on when I feel all weighed down with second guessing myself and trying to guess the motives of a man's heart. At least I get to spill me heart to my friends a bit more, and get to see them show their love for me. And I get to explain my crazy dreams to them and hear them analyze it with such knowledge of me. I'm feeling rather blinded at this point by the brightness of my silver lining. Lucky me, to be surrounded by such support. I'm not trying to be profound here. I'm just trying to be a little more thankful for getting to run the race. Shift my focus off my aching lungs and burning calves. love ya all.

here's my old friend again: the giant space