Strange Dream

So, a few nights ago, I asked God, for the first time in quite a long time, to SEND ME A MATE! And something felt very right about it in my soul, and I fell asleep sort of certain that this time around was the charm, that maybe now the timing was right and life would take on the effortlessness of destiny unfolding. It's best to think positive at night before sleep! (blah blah blah)

The next morning, I woke up in a terror - heart racing, sweating, wide-eyed. Why, oh why? Because I had almost just drowned. It all started with me hopping off a lifeguard platform, missing my mark and landing in a shallow area. Mercifully, I was okay, and swam out to test the water for depth for a very forgetable man who was still up on the platform. I swam out to the rock wall at the edge of the swimming area, and (this is where my heart starts to beat fast again!) suddenly my ankles were held in a vise-like grip! The grip was so strong! I started to wave my arms, but couldn't scream, and then there was a man next to me who dove down beneath the water. Next thing I know, one ankle is free and then the other, and then I woke up in a sweaty panic.

Whew!

Okay - I'm adding to this one (10/2) because of a dream I had last night. I was high, high up on a ledge above a beach with my mom. She wasn't concerned about the height at all, and was sort of ambivalent to my fear. I was trying to get my arm out of my nightgown (one of my favorites; used to be my grandma's - it's very, very alluring, let me tell you) and almost fell. Same racing heart response!

So, drowning, heights, what's next? Maybe a tornado, earthquake, flood?

My Devotion

I've been reading and rereading I Peter for about a month now. Just a few verses at a time, but really weighing each word. And these scriptures are becoming so dear to me. i think the Holy Spirit's got it in for me.

I've never really written about Scripture passages. i do like to write stream-of-consciousness prayers. Anyhow, not sure how to structure this, so I'm going to start with my favorite.

I Peter 1:3: "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead..."

I love the coupling of these words "living hope." Just the idea that we always have hope alive within us, and that hope is dependent on Christ, a man who was resurrected from the dead. End result: unconquerable, indestructable hope. What does that mean for us? Sometimes when I think about this concept in hard moments, even though I don't "feel" the joy, I feel myself being pulled back to center - the center being the deep truth that God's will is always happening. When I think about these words with I am calm and focused, like during a morning walk or in yoga class, I feel light radiate from my chest, and my eyes close with the fullness of it. What a great God.

I think that this "living hope" concept is so different than any other type of hope. Living hope is hope grounded in certainty, not just a strong yearning for something to actualize. This hope has been alive throughout the ages.

s-t-r-e-s-s

I think I'm handling things so well, balancing it all so precisely and with such positive flexibility. And then something somewhat minor happens and I'm reduced to tears, and doubting everything. I don't know if I can keep this pace I've been keeping up. Not without sacrificing quality. I'm not sure I'm cut out for this whole management thing. I'm sick of not having a work space set up for me. I'm sick of finding out last minute about changes that involve my program. I'm sick of people getting aggressive with me. I'm sick of how much I have to do, and how much I have to be the trouble shooter. I'm sick of starting to think of people as being consumers - pushy, aggresive consumers.

And I really have been "sick." I've developed acid reflux in the last few weeks. The thing is, I keep thinking I can do all of this at the same time - the new job, my final year of my MA, the yoga teacher training, the infant massage certification. How, Lord, how? I don't see an end in sight. It just keeps being push, push, push, PUSH, PUSH, PUSH - from every direction. Even my friends are pressure for me now - pressure for me to hang out, call back, listen to, and describe my current state to. Things have got to change soon. And everytime someone asks me how I am, I seem to develop a temporary amnesia, and say I'm fine and that things are going great, but with some ups and downs. Which I do feel is true! Ahhh! I can't even know the truth of it!

I am going to start a blog about my delishious reading of I Peter, something I stupidly limit myself to savoring for just a few minutes of each day.

about to give blood

I'm going to be on my way to give blood soon. I don't know when or why I started getting jittery about this, but it does not go with my tuffie-girl image. I'm still good with poop and vomit, so that's something I guess.

Anyhow, what I've been meaning to write about for like a week now is the coupling of these two words in I Peter 1:3: "living hope" - I think I could live till the end of my days on this little couplet of words that's been swelling such joy in my soul. I've been meditating on the concept throughout my day, and it never fails to help push away the grit and give me clear waters. That they always would do that...